crooked

another piece of me.

i always knew i was sick.

even before the doctors found the scoliosis i could feel myself slipping

feel my bones folding into themselves.

the disease wrapped itself not only around my spine

but around my family too.

our lives as a whole shifted

just like my spine

contorted around having every test done

paying for every appointment insurance didn’t cover

skipping and sidestepping normality

for me.

i was bombarded with medicine and treatments and gifts

trying to supply me of what we all knew I would never have;

normality.

i shut myself in.

stopped complaining about how much it hurt

pushed away the constant fear that this day was my last

prayed not to be noticed.

sometimes, i couldn’t even tell i was sick.

the curves grew and grew

spiraling through my nervous system

twisting and twirling around my organs

crooked.

as my days ticked by,

i wondered,

was it worse never being able to say goodbye

or never knowing when to?

after all the x-rays,

MRIs,

blood tests,

breathing checks,

medications,

braces,

the only solution left was a knife.

with a slice of a scalpel

metal ran through me

tinted my blood with titanium.

i was stripped of the crippled normality i’d come to know.

learning to walk,

talk,

bend,

breathe,

smile,

again

each step,

each breath,

each movement was a milestone

a little victory i’d previously taken for granted.

you don’t realize just how much you can do until you can’t.

those hazy hospital days,

as i laid there unable to move,

i let my thoughts run wild.

i thought about the places i’d go,

the people i’d see,

the things i’d write about if

when

i got out of here.

i created stories of lives i’d love to live

and vowed to

soon.

healing from the surgery was hard.

knowing i really was okay was harder.

i am a patchwork now,

healed and rehealed by life and love

sewn by reassurance and courage.

scoliosis tore me at the seams

but my stitches are tighter now.